Here I am again coming at you with another post, I'm totally on a roll. Today we are discussing the wonderful world of customers we meet in retail. If you have ever had the pleasure (Ha!) of working in retail, you will understand the struggle. So, without further ado, let's get into it.
1. The Early Risers
When you working retail and you get to experience the early morning joy of opening the store, you will know of the Early Risers. These disgustingly eager people who think waking up at 7AM is sleeping in. You know the ones, the joggers, the gym rats, the soccer moms...ugh! There is nothing more that I hate than pulling up to work in the morning and I see Suzy the Soccer Mom waiting by the door. You get out and walk cautiously up to the door.
"What time do you open?" she asks.
"At 9:30"
You know, the hours are right on the window....RIGHT THERE!!
You know, the hours are right on the window....RIGHT THERE!!
"oh..."
Then Suzy pulls out the freaking puppy dog eyes...
"Do you think I could grab something really quick before you open?"
"No, sorry, my tills aren't even open yet"
Since I haven't even got in the freaking store because you cornered me!
Since I haven't even got in the freaking store because you cornered me!
"Well I can pay with a credit card"
"oh...in that case...NO!"
Ugh! Go home and get to bed.
2. The Price Checkers
The store is full of people and your helping everyone out, when Miss Ignorance come up and taps your shoulder.
"How much is this?" She asks while dangling the product in your face.
"Umm..not to sure...the price should be there..."
"No, I didn't see a price,"
"There should be a price...everything in our store has a price."
"No, I looked, I don't see anything."
So, you proceed to excuse yourself from helping a customer and walk over freaking annoyed because, Haza! There is a freaking price tag right under the product.
"It's right there Ma'am"
"Oh, I didn't see that" The she proceeds to laugh at herself like she is freaking Jerry Lewis whilst you just stand there wondering what has happened to humanity.
3. The Not-so-Super Mom
So, you are having a great day. The store is dead and you have lots of time to straightening and cleaning up. Suddenly, you feel a tremor on the ground, you hear annoying screams, and in walks the Mom with her freaking Von Trappe Family Singers. Like, must you bring in your whole dang family, like leave the boys in the cage lady. John Jr. touches every single thing in the store and little Susan wipes her boogers on the window all while the Chucky twins run up and down the isles with carts. Meanwhile, Super Mom is pondering which nail polish to buy and blurting out unimpressive little reprimands. Like, Yeah Super Mom, John Jr is really intimidated by that weak threat of losing his ipad for 2 hours. He is shaking in his Timberlands.
Just before she leaves she looks around at the mess her kids made...
"oh, my kids really made a mess, sorry about that!"
Leaves.
You proceed to poke your eyes out.
4. Miss Needy
You know you have your work cut out for you when Miss Needy walks in. You kind of avoid eye contact whilst muttering a quick "hi". She walks off and does her thing and you have a glimmer of hope. Maybe she won't need your help today!
"Excuse me, could I get help?"
Snap back to reality, oop there goes gravity...(Eminem reference y'all)
"Coming..." You utter as your hang your head and drag your feet.
She floods you with questions, your give her answers, then...silence.
You slowly try to eek away, then....
"Wait, I have one more question"
You answer, then silence.
You try again to escape.
"Oh and I need..."
Common Lady!!! Like I have been standing here in silence for a minute and a half. Let me go!
5. The Villan
We know them, we dread them, we see their faces in our nightmares, the Villan! She yells, she give you attitude and she even snarls and barks. You even know their car, and the sound of their voice, and their scent...you try to hide behind a shelf, she sees you, you pretend to be cleaning said shelf. Maybe she won't smell your fear.
6. The BFF
You see her walking up to the door, she looks a little too perky.
"Oh hey girlfriend!" She says with a giant smile.
You check your perimeter to see who else is around, you thought the store was empty. Then you realize she is talking to you.
"Hi" You answer awkwardly.
"How have you been?"
"Good...thanks?"
"How come you didn't add me on Instagram, Facebook, snapchat, My Space, MSN Messenger and BBM?"
Oh, so she was the creepy stalker lady with the unusual and terrifying username, MissSexxyHotstuffwillstalkyou, trying to add you all over the interweb. Should I change my name and move to a foreign country?
7. The Procrastonator
It's 8:50 Pm and you are ready to get home and enjoy what's left of your Friday night. You start getting the store ready to close when Pam the Procrastinator pulls up in front of the store. She walks up as your noticeably roll your eyes.
"Sorry, I know your closing but I just need one thing. I'll be fast" She says as she walks all over your freshly mopped floor.
She is right, she only needs one thing and she is heading up to cash, when...
"Oh, are these new? I want one!! Which color should I get?"
I could freaking careless.
"The pink one" I exclaim.
"No, I hate pink. I love purple, it goes with my eyes. Do you have purple?"
There is no purple there, do you think I am holding the purple hostage?
"No, sorry, we don't have purple. Whatever we have is there."
"Maybe Blue. Do you have blue?"
Did you just hear me lady? We only have what is out!!!
"No sorry, all that we have is out"
You glance at the clock, it's 9:57PM.
"Hmmm...maybe I should do white. I wish you had cream. Do you know if you have cream?"
Nooooo! Get out you idiot!
"No, we do not have any cream."
It's freaking 9:01 lady. Pick one and go home.
"Hm...I don't know what to choose" Giggles at herself.
It's...9...07...PM...I want to go home. You literally had all freaking day to come here and get your "one thing"...now pick a color and go the heck home!!!!!
"I think I will just pass, I know you want to go home"
oh really? Where did you get that idea? Was it my cold greeting when you walked in 20 minutes ago? My unenthusiastic answers to your pointless questions, or was it me, smacking my head against the computer screen when you couldn't pick a freaking color?
8. The Fox
Your just minding your own business and doing your job when He walks in, The Fox.
"Hi There." You mutter while trying not to make eye contact.
"Hey" He says cooly.
Can he see me sweating? Oh Gosh, he can see me sweating.
He asks you a bunch of question and all your can think of is how Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On is playing on the radio in the background.
oh no! My glasses are getting foggy. Try to smoothly remove glasses from face...glasses slip out of hand from clammy fingers and crash on the floor.
"Oh, sorry, Im so clutsy!" You say nervously.
"That's okay. We all have our days." Throws head back in deep laughter.
Nervous chuckles...let me have your babies...I hope I didn't say that out loud.
9. The Perfect Customer
This customer does not exist.
Thank you for reading...until next time.
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